Wheelwoman needs costume

Today was not a banner day in my quest to become a Prospect Park Biker Chick. I missed my spin class, and the oceans of slush on the ground ruled out a real ride. Furthermore, it has come to my attention that I don't have much--okay, I have almost nothing--in the way of appropriate cycling attire. Don't need a full kit or even a kaboodle (like that shown on one Amber Neben here, via USA Cycling); just something cozy, stretchy, and non-humiliating, preferably in hip-yet-humble black.

I ventured forth, therefore, to find some cheap basic Stuff to Wear On Cold Spring Days on a Bicycle. This turns out to be a daunting proposition. A horrible store called "Sports Authority" offers very little specific to the needs of cyclists, but has lots of sweat pants with zippy logos, costing upwards of $50 per pair. There are terrific high-tech synthetic undergarments that will wick sweat and, possibly, convert fat cells into muscle in the heat of competition, but the simplest such T-shirt starts at $20.  Online cycling suppliers offer lots of specialized thermal bike tights...in the $70-and-up range. This was starting to feel as if I had signed up to play polo with B-list royalty in the Hamptons.

With my keenest bottom-feeding hunter-gatherer instincts, I trolled the sale racks and found a few good things marked way down, but the experience left me disgusted with myself: My grand quest had briefly turned, in the fluourescent-lit misery of a dressing room, into another breakdown into Cash-Strapped Shopaholic Self-Pity and what author Anne Lamott calls "butt-mind." ("In earlier incarnations," she says, "I've spent days and entire weeks comparing my butt to everyone else's butt.")

For a bracing remedy, I consulted the archives of the Brooklyn Eagle to see what choices my feminine forebears would have had. In 1897, an article on "Spring Cycling Attire" declared: 

"Bicycle costuming has passed the experimental stage and has now reached a point where improvement is difficult. Perfection may not yet have been reached but the chic, up-to-date wheeling suit...is still nearly faultless."

According to the Eagle, "whole sections in the large stores are given over to exhibits of bicycle attire and its numerous accessories." (Take that, Sports Authority.) "Here can be found every device that the ingenious designer has planned for the wheelwoman's use." Their suggestions include: a skirt "without ruffling or embroidery" ("which might easily become a menace to the life of the wearer by catching in the skirt guard or becoming entangled in the pedal"), and a trimmed jacket ("not too fussy"). Recommended fabrics were "ladies cloth," "mohair Sicilian," "brilliantine," "duck" and good old denim.

Other must-haves for the gay Nineties biker chick include leggins (sic), a chatelaine bag, Jersey waists, Alpine hats (including the "Improved Boater"), gaiters, and stock collars. "Soft leather hats, warranted waterproof...are practical novelties," we are advised.

Maybe shopping for fleece separates isn't so bad after all.

Comments

[Rugoff]

All you need is silk long underwear, wool socks, a down coat, and water-proof hiking boots. Wear your Tiffany jewelry on top and you're set.

[Xris (Flatbush Gardener)]

"Improvement is difficult." Indeed!